Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Emma & Brian's Guide to How to live a soap opera life

1. Get married. As much as possible. It’s not forever. It’s just a starting off point until someone better comes along. Then you can marry them instead. Try to remember to get a divorce between ceremonies.

2. Have many babies. With many different people. If you’re barren, steal one. Or, if you have money, bribe a surrogate mother. You can wear padding around town and no one will ever know. If you are unhappy with your baby, switch it. All you need is some hospital attire and a DNA tampering kit. See, easy as wearing that fake padding for 9 months.

3. Bring people back from the dead. Claim they moved to Europe or better yet the Middle East. Altering their face so no one recognises them can also help with the transition back into the Western world. If you yourself have died, cheer up! There is a good chance you too can return from Afghanistan with a new face. Be careful that your old face doesn't return to take your place.

4. Stealing someone else’s boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/father/mother is acceptable as long as it’s done in the name of ‘love’.

5. Cheating is OK, too. But try not to get caught. Always use a condom. If you don’t, best to refer to rule number 2.

6. Do not learn your lesson. Repeat: Do not learn your lesson. It makes life way too easy and way too boring.

7. Do anything to tie a man down. Fake a pregnancy, kill or kidnap the girl he really loves, beg, have a break down, fake a suicide attempt, trick him into marriage. Remember, its only temporary if you change your mind.

8. If you murder someone, chances are you will be let off due to a crafty lawyer, surprise witness, or an unseen twist in the case. However, if you’re no longer popular, you will go to jail. Try not to kill again. Unless you have to.

9. Got a long lost twin? No? You're about to get one.

10. If you are searching for someone, chances are they’re at the Hospital having coffee, visiting a friend who has a rare disease for which there is no cure, switching babies, waking from a comma or unplugging your girlfriend’s life support. Opps! If you work at the hospital, chances are you will have to perform brain/heart/cancer surgery even though you just became a GP three weeks ago. You may also be required to swap embryos. If so, it is best to become the Chief of Staff first, so wait an additional two weeks.

Emma & Brian's 1000th Cover Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

I am applying for the job you have posted on line, in the papers and on your site. I believe I am right for this position because I need money. I have bills to pay, student loans and credit card debt. Lots of credit card debt. What also makes me feel I fit this position is the fact that I am tired of all the game playing that goes into applying to and getting a job. I am smart, I have a degree, in fact I have 3! Plus a certificate, and yet, still I am passed up in favor of idiots that you can pay less and work more. Well, I want to be your idiot. I really, really do. What a benefit you will be getting in me. Brains for Less pay. That’s the deal of the century. Much better than any government bail out plan. You can bet your bottom dollar on that!

As you can see from my resume (if you have bothered to look that far ahead), I have a truck load of experience. Look, see. Ahhh, yes, that’s right. Impressed now? Of course you are, yet you hesitate. Why? Does my degree not fit in with the position? Should that matter? I have transferable skills that would knock the socks off of any other potential job candidate. I have references that would get me appointed Queen of England, so why don’t you call them up and have a chat? Maybe they will tell you what a great person I am. That I work harder and better and longer than anyone else. That I put in 110% to everything I do, granted I like it and you are nice to me. If not, you can sod it.

So what do you say? Why not just take a chance on me? I know I can do the job and I know you will not be disappointed. And if you are, you can fire me, or at least try to…

Sincerely Yours,

The guy who needs a job, badly.

PS Did I tell you I still live at home and desperately need to get my own place? My family is driving me a crazy and I would like to have sex again.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009


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